Woke up and kept snoozing till I felt nauseous. Got chidded. Left the house. I sat on 105 and traveled to Serangoon to kill time. Ame called and asked me to meet her at Ion but I guess I didn’t want her to feel guilty since Gor scolded me as if was pmsing cus of his bgr. It’s not even my business. Why must throw temper at me. )’: Life sucks.

The journey was long. And I thought a bit. Teared at the thought of her as I came across a temple at toa payoh. I hope she’s safe. Why does it always have to rain nowadays, rainy days make me think of her. The stuff I should have done while she was still around, the things I should have said. I want to hold her hands and embrace her, though I know that it is clearly impossible. I would want to close my eyes, and think she’s there, give her a hug, because I miss her. Now I feel her near me, but I’m sure I’m just trying to cheat myself that I’m not alone. She’s up there watching me, I hope, and the rest as well. I wonder if they think of her as often as I do. I think of her everytime there’s something meaningful going on in life. It still feels like it was yesterday. when they changed your clothes. When you wore make up. When we’re sitting on the floor, drowned by the chanting. When your face went pale. When I looked disbelievingly at the paper mansion they were going to burn for you. When XH was folding the papers for you. When Kai Ting and I slept and talked about where the fan should face. When mum read the holy book. When XH knelt by your bed and prayed. When you asked for Gor to lean closer. When I stood there and laughed because I thought it could not be happening to you.

When I saw your face in the papers.

When the teachers asked why I wasn’t in school and I blurted out the damn fact. When I went to the hospital almost every other day. When you came home but kept puking and I wasn’t making things better. When you told me not to eat spicy stuff but I still did.

When you thought me how to cook Hakka food. When you said I was smart. When you called every weekend and say that it’s time to ‘go home’, when there isn’t any home to go to now.

Then I remember them wanting to burn your clothes too. And when they hung your picture on the wall. And take it down later. When I dreamt of you in my sleep. And I was afraid of you. When you shook your head and can’t talk in my sleep. I now know that I really loved you. I want to tell you that I’m really sorry for not taking care of the rest.

And I want to say that I want you back. But this is just talk. Talk is cheap. Some times I forget to pray for you. Some times I just don’t want to think of you because it makes me sad. I guess I’m not strong enough to accept your leave. If I can relive the past, I would want to do anything that made you angry. Just so that you know I had so much more to learn, then you couldn’t have left me. I want to walk with you again. I would have looked at you longer, and not be obsessed with crayons and paper. I would have squeezed your hand tight.

I know whatever is my results, you would be proud of me. I know you would have told me something I would want to hear from everyone else. You would say I’m a good girl, but you wouldn’t brag about it. You would probably find no need to compare, you would probably have bought me something you think I like. Ngai ai ngi nai nai, doh cha.

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away